and it continues to hurt

i had quite a long FB chat with Christy today. And she says i'm spot on about how she sees herself in her troubled relationship. I'm an expert at giving advise to others, but when it comes to myself, i throw all of it out the window. i should take it and completely apply it to myself.

"everyone says, but you are Sofie Chandra, you can choose anyone you want, you are amazing the way you are, and you deserve way better than what you put yourself through.

but then i say, that's not the point, i love him and i want to do these things for him, so that is all that matters. but in the process we keep loving ourselves less. giving in and giving in and then suddenly he seems so far away and I ask yourself why why cos i already keep giving. and to me he is the world, and he deserves all of me and all that I can give.

so it doesn't matter what people say. whatever I can take, I just take, even the smallest things. and the tiniest things that he does means so much, and I keep hanging on to it. every single word, every single action.

but somehow the more I try to hang on, the further he seems to go away from me. OR if I try to walk away he suddenly pulls me back, then I go back to the same cycle again."

And i know i'm finding every single excuse possible to justify his actions or rather non-actions. Maybe he's busy, maybe he just didn't have the time.

But i think he knows, he doesn't want me.
Simply. Put.

I want to die. dig a hole & just sit inside & cry mountains.

it feels like a break up

Suddenly he stopped asking me to dinner. and stopped trying to see me when he comes to the club.

I don't quite understand and i'm extremely hurt. It's as if i don't matter at all and the past few months have meant nothing. The morning talks, the breakfasts, nothing means anything. It never meant anything and never will.

When it comes to love, there is no such thing as pride. Maybe that's why i always give and give and give until there is no give back and it breaks me, rips me apart and takes me to a place i hate. It eats me up inside and i tell myself: no i will never allow this happen to me ever again, but time and again i allow it.

I don't blame him but myself because i let this happen. But i'm hurting and i just want to cry but i can't.

why must it be so hard

i always tell myself to have zero expectations, because when i expect nothing, anything at all that follows will make me happy. I try also to live on the basic and very simple principle of living each day to be happy. But honestly, the human spirit , heart and state was never built so simply. That's the difference between a human and a plant. We are DNA-ed to be complicated. Society, our communities and our world has never allowed us to be simple, satisfied or simply contented.

It is the simple reason why there is greed and competition, why there is hatred and the lack of integrity. It is also why love is not simple. Zero expectation never happens. Simple because with love comes sharing, commitment and with all that comes expectations. In all the complications, the equation of it is very simple. When i try as i might to analyse it, break it down and think through every single small detail, i feel my brain on the verge of exploding, and my heart in doubt.

why must it be so hard? we like each other, no?