It’s been
awhile. And I hate to have to say this, but to just take a break to rest and do
the things I am unable to do in Singapore,
I have to take a weekend away. Sad but true how our lives in Singapore
consist of a daily rush, of trying to seemingly accomplish so much in 24 hours.
So to simply put it across, I have to go
away to blog. HAHAHA. Really now?
I suspect
I’ve also reached some kind of point in my life where there’s been a shift. It
could be a certain level of self awareness or that most things don’t matter, or
rather the things that do matter are few but of greater significance.
One of
the greatest shifts I’ve seen is the way I perceive love. Having been an
idealist and a purist of what love represents since a tender age, the many
experiences that I have been through have seem to put that into perspective for
me.
My mum
has said before that I have to be in a relationship where I love the other
person more. When I love, I really love. It’s like I’ve envisioned myself in a Hong Kong drama series and the ending to that would be me
dying for my one true love. Go watch “Young and Dangerous”. Enough said there.
We always
want what we cannot have and what we have, we get tired of or we find fault
with the imperfections. Initially when
it first started out, I think it was like a school girl crush for me. Then over
the 1.5 years, what has happened is truth be told, I’ve fallen in love with
him. And the fact remains as well that I will never be his. And I sure as hell
know it BUT somehow, I just keep giving and loving. Some days I hate myself to
bits, other days I convince myself how it is ok to love this way and then there
are other days I say I will give in to how society has perceived most girls to
be and just let someone else love me and take care of me. Get married, have
kids and blah.
I love
him for so many reasons, but each time it hurts so bad to know the reality of
it, when at the end of the day, it isn’t me that he
will go back to. It’ll be nice to be his. That’s why each time he does take my hand
or when he said he loves me, I can’t begin to express how the heart felt.
But I’m
tired. And I always remember what Leyla said to me. It was one of those moments
that will stick forever. Like super glue. The time will come, that one window
of opportunity for you to drop it all, to let it go. And when you do, suddenly
something else comes along. Something that you never expect. It would all be ok
until I see him, then I’m back to square zero, I would do anything and
everything for him to be safe and happy. But then, who makes sure I’m safe and
happy?
It’s a
never ending story.
Hello Bangkok day 2.
xx
