"past" me now...

So after more than a year, i met up with Nigel for dinner, also to pass him his christmas present which i conveniently forgot to bring with me. i can understand why we could have stayed together, we are extremely comfortable hanging out, talking and there's always things to talk about. And i know that he genuinely cares for me.

But, i need to be in love, to feel like i'm standing in the midst of rainbows, flying unicorns, fluffy clouds in the shape of hearts & snowflakes. This is why to me, it didn't work out.

Life has the funniest way of working itself out. Love, i'm not too sure.

Crazy Christmas Chaos xx

I am finally making some effort with my camera!

So this year, i did a terrible thing, i only went Christmas shopping after Christmas,i.e. Boxing Day. And really, it's not that i didn't put more thought into planning, i just honestly had a lack of time. HONEST TRUTH.

So for all the shopping i had to do, i also had to eat and eat and eat.

Imperial at ION's BBQ meats- always sells out!

Cheong Fan with 4 different fillings- nomnom

TWG tea time & we spotted lovely couple Annabel & Darius!

Annabel, Me, Jenn & Cheryl

Amidst all the eating, i completed all my shopping =) It was a real feat, since we started out at 1030am. Mission accomplished, presents all given with love to all the people that mattered.

xx

this is me. simply.

i like you a lot.
i remember the first time i realise i liked you. i always thought you were cute.
my type of guy. then i actually liked you more after our many morning long chats.
i remember all our conversations if i was sometimes a bit tipsy so when you said that you don't remember our conversations, i felt my heart being stabbed, like a million times.


but i guess it doesn't really matter. i just like you. i will like you for a long time.
i like the way you smile, the way you DJ in the completely serious mode, i like the fact that you somehow live in your own bubble, yet you seem to understand a lot more than you appear to. i like it that you look out for me, in your own way. i like you because you always play my song for me. i like it when you start talking and talking and i can just sit and listen.

i like it the most when you hold my hand because i always feel like then, there is nothing in the world that matters because you will take care of me.

So i think it really doesn't matter that you keep breaking my heart. because i just like you.

and the whole wide world will say it is dumb but really, i don't care anymore. i like you and this is enough for me. 

and the tears shall fall like the morning dew

i admit i'm the laziest person when it comes to pictures. i will make more effort to take more pictures using my honest to goodness Canon G-12. And i shall not be so emo.

ZoukOut was once again for me, amazing. My 6th ZoukOut, and one to remember for a long time to come. Last year was dancing into the sunrise with A. This year, not that it was planned for, it was sunrise set with G. I can't say how grateful i am and how he is really my happy pill.

But, it ain't that simple. I shall blog again soon with more details. The deadline i have given to myself is 31 Dec 2011.

I will also post more pictures soon. Promise xoxo

and it continues to hurt

i had quite a long FB chat with Christy today. And she says i'm spot on about how she sees herself in her troubled relationship. I'm an expert at giving advise to others, but when it comes to myself, i throw all of it out the window. i should take it and completely apply it to myself.

"everyone says, but you are Sofie Chandra, you can choose anyone you want, you are amazing the way you are, and you deserve way better than what you put yourself through.

but then i say, that's not the point, i love him and i want to do these things for him, so that is all that matters. but in the process we keep loving ourselves less. giving in and giving in and then suddenly he seems so far away and I ask yourself why why cos i already keep giving. and to me he is the world, and he deserves all of me and all that I can give.

so it doesn't matter what people say. whatever I can take, I just take, even the smallest things. and the tiniest things that he does means so much, and I keep hanging on to it. every single word, every single action.

but somehow the more I try to hang on, the further he seems to go away from me. OR if I try to walk away he suddenly pulls me back, then I go back to the same cycle again."

And i know i'm finding every single excuse possible to justify his actions or rather non-actions. Maybe he's busy, maybe he just didn't have the time.

But i think he knows, he doesn't want me.
Simply. Put.

I want to die. dig a hole & just sit inside & cry mountains.

it feels like a break up

Suddenly he stopped asking me to dinner. and stopped trying to see me when he comes to the club.

I don't quite understand and i'm extremely hurt. It's as if i don't matter at all and the past few months have meant nothing. The morning talks, the breakfasts, nothing means anything. It never meant anything and never will.

When it comes to love, there is no such thing as pride. Maybe that's why i always give and give and give until there is no give back and it breaks me, rips me apart and takes me to a place i hate. It eats me up inside and i tell myself: no i will never allow this happen to me ever again, but time and again i allow it.

I don't blame him but myself because i let this happen. But i'm hurting and i just want to cry but i can't.

why must it be so hard

i always tell myself to have zero expectations, because when i expect nothing, anything at all that follows will make me happy. I try also to live on the basic and very simple principle of living each day to be happy. But honestly, the human spirit , heart and state was never built so simply. That's the difference between a human and a plant. We are DNA-ed to be complicated. Society, our communities and our world has never allowed us to be simple, satisfied or simply contented.

It is the simple reason why there is greed and competition, why there is hatred and the lack of integrity. It is also why love is not simple. Zero expectation never happens. Simple because with love comes sharing, commitment and with all that comes expectations. In all the complications, the equation of it is very simple. When i try as i might to analyse it, break it down and think through every single small detail, i feel my brain on the verge of exploding, and my heart in doubt.

why must it be so hard? we like each other, no?